


virginia bluebells

by jenson40



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Cheating, Divorce, Drug Use, F/M, Jess Mariano being the best freaking father he can be, Rory Gilmore being the best freaking mother she can be, holy mother of slowburns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-12-13 21:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11768379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenson40/pseuds/jenson40
Summary: Pretty little thing sometimes you gotta look up, and let the world see all the beauty that you're made of. Cause the way you hang you head, nobody can tellyou're my Virginia bluebell."I'm sorry."I love you.





	virginia bluebells

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! So I've just rewritten this because while I liked my first version I posted on Fanfiction.net, I think I did better here. So, yeah! This is gonna be literati slowburn, but right now its pretty Jess and Jane centric. I originally called this fic Jane, but I'm not sure about it any more. Ok I hope you all enjoy it!

The first time she went to Stars Hollow, she was three.

That was also the first time her mother had walked out on them—it most definitely wouldn’t be the last—and her father, the amazing man that he was, had gone across the country looking for the woman his daughter called “Mommy.”

Jane didn’t remember much of that first trip to Stars Hollow, but she remembered the long, scary two weeks her father had been gone. She remembered staying with her great-uncle Luke and later to be great-aunt Lorelai. Oh, how scared she had been. What random scenarios her three-year-old mind had created into nightmares, leaving her screaming into the darkness of a bedroom just off the kitchen in her aunt’s house, thus causing Luke to tumble down the stairs and carry the frightened child to his and Lorelai’s room where she would sleep for the rest of the two weeks. She had moped around the house, refusing to eat the goodies her aunt had offered, and throwing a slight tantrum when the first week had passed and her daddy _still_ hadn’t come for her. She feared _he_ had run away, just like her mommy had.

Then a shining moment came when Jane _didn’t_ throw a tantrum, and Lorelai took her for her tour around town. All Jane knows about that tour was her aunt outtalking Taylor Doose, whom had sent Kirk to inform Lorelai that Jane wouldn’t be allowed in his market because she was a Mariano. She doesn’t remember that much, but 13 years later people are still abuzz about it. When the tour had finished, Jane met the two boys whom she would call her best friends, Steve and Kwan van Gerbig.  Those two boys, along with Davey and Martha, made Jane’s remaining week bright and lively again.

That was until her father finally returned. Jane barreled him down, first, crying because she just couldn’t believe her daddy had come back like he said he would, and second, chattering about the friends she had made. Jane had watched something strange pass over her father’s face that day, and she wouldn’t register that he was tired and angry and upset because her attention shifted to her mother. But what she saw wasn’t her normally beautiful mother. It was her mother, sure, but she had changed. And she was black out drunk in the back of Jess’s car.

After that summer, Sandra wasn’t the same, and never would be again. Jane and Jess began spending every summer in Stars Hollow from the minute school let out to the day before it began. It was an escape from Sandra and her newfound druggy friends.

At sixteen, Jane hadn’t a clue as to why her father continued to go after her mother. Frankly in her opinion, if her mother didn’t want to be with them that was _just fine and dandy_. Less stress on Jess; less stress on Jane. Not to mention the fact Sandra was always high off of some drug or another, and considering the way Jess had grown up, why would he want to go after her? He didn’t love her; Jane knew he hadn’t since he had come home to Sandra passed out on the floor with baby Jane in a wastebasket. Or maybe it had been before then, if it had, Jess did a good job of pretending.

The last time he had gone looking for Sandra seven years ago—at this point, Jess was fine letting her go, but she always came back in need of a place to stay because she had spent all her money on booze and drugs, and the thing that baffled Jane the most was that he let her stay with them— he had told his sleepy eyed nine-year-old daughter as he drove her to Matt’s house at four in the morning that he felt responsible for the fact that she had jumped off the deep end. Ok, so he hadn’t used those exact words with his worried nine-year-old, but he had made it a point that he wasn’t going to let someone ruin their life and to an extent his daughter’s life like his mother had to him.

Jane believed her father spent too much time trying to play hero to a helpless cause and not enough worrying about himself. She didn’t think he’d slept a full night in her entire life because he had had to take care of her during the night since her mother didn’t want to; and when Jane began sleeping through the night, Jess was waiting with the light on for Sandra to return from clubbing and getting wasted. She had never recovered from post-partum, and to fill the sadness and emptiness she felt, she had turned to drugs and booze and sex with men that weren’t the father of her baby.

Sandra didn’t deserve Jess, and Jane grew a bit more upset with her father each time he went cross country to search for her. The whole “I’m going to fix this” persona had come from her great-uncle, and Jane knew this. She had heard how it had been Luke who helped put her father on the straight and narrow, who showed her father what it was like to have a father, who helped make her father the man he was today. He was the best man in the world, her father, and Sandra didn’t deserve an ounce of his kindness. For once, Jane wished Jess would stop being such a good person. She didn’t need her mother; especially after that past March, when Jane’s safe haven had been destroyed by the woman she had called “Mom” for the first eight years of her life.

Her Stars Hollow would forever be tainted with the stench of alcohol on her skin from how close Sandra had gotten to her face, voice seething with venom on each slur she called Jane for finding peace in Connecticut. When Jane had spoken to defend herself, she had been thrown back from a searing pain in her cheek. Sandra had slapped her, and when Jane had stumbled in shock, the woman grabbed her forearm, failing to realize she still held the razor she had threatened Luke and Lorelai with moments before. The skin from Jane’s wrist to elbow had broken open as she screamed in pain. As blood poured from the gaping wound, Lorelai tackled the demon to the ground while April, spending a weekend with her father and step-mother, called the police, and Luke did his best to cover the wound so they could get Jane to the hospital.

Sandra had been upset because in the one day she had been gone—for what had looked like for good—Jane had gotten her driver’s license and headed to Stars Hollow for the weekend, not leaving a thing to help Jess find her. But he wasn’t stupid, if Jane was going to run away, it wasn’t going to be California; no, it would be Stars Hollow. His thoughts had only been confirmed later that evening when Luke called to tell him that Jane had made it safely, if a little shaky, to the Crap Shack, and Jess had nothing to fear. Not like he did. Jane was a good kid, and he knew that, but Sandra didn’t. And Jess tried all he could to stop her from going off to find Jane when she popped up at his apartment the next day out of the blue. It hadn’t worked.

Jane was drawn from her thoughts of the past when she felt her father’s lingering gaze on the scar she had subconsciously begun tracing. Her eyes flicked to Jess, who was driving, and noticed his knuckles turning a sickly shade of white from the way he gripped the steering wheel with a growing force. That moment had been the last straw, and he had officially cut all ties with Sandra the minute he had gotten to the hospital. But it had been too late. Sandra had already ruined their lives more than they’d known; now, with not a penny to his name, Jess had packed up his daughter’s once fantastic life and was moving her from Philadelphia to the apartment above Luke’s diner in Stars Hollow.

She was a walking cliché, and Jane hated it. She was angry at her dad, sitting in the passenger seat of someone else’s truck, moving someplace she didn’t want to move to, thinking that no one understood her and she had every right to be angry with her father and her crack whore mother. While she actually had a reason to be upset unlike cheesy ‘80s and ‘90s and Disney movies, Jane knew she was a cliché, and she hated to love it. She wasn’t going to stop being angry at her father for a while, knowing full well that this was the fault of her mother but blaming her father for allowing that woman into their lives. Refusing the admit that she was secretly blaming herself for thinking her mother could actually love her.

“ _Cazzo_ ,” Jane murmured the slur that her mother had often used when she was a young child when the car passed the ‘Welcome to Stars Hollow’ sign. While she had never actually studied Italian, her entire mom’s side of the family spoke the language, and Jane had picked up a few things in her life. It helped some that her father didn’t understand as much as she did, and she got away with saying many a thing at a young age that if Jess had heard, Jane shuddered thinking about the possible consequences she could have faced.

As her last chance to spite her father while in the car—she would have plenty of opportunities when they arrived—Jane grabbed the iPod her father had plugged into the aux chord at the beginning of the trip, switching the song from “London Calling” to “Money Money Money.” Hearing Jess’s annoyed huff at the Abba song that was surprisingly paralleled to their life at the moment, made the tension filled drive just that much better for the teenaged girl. However, Jane’s amusement was cut short when Jess changed the song to “Slipping Through My Fingers,” and the sixteen-year-old felt guilty. Not like Jess would ever know that. She still held her haughty air as she clenched her hand into a fist, softly hitting her thigh.

Jane’s heart stopped and her hand unclenched as they pulled up to her uncle’s diner. This was it. There was no going back now. Her father wasn’t anything if not stubborn—just like Jane— and she knew that the moment he put the car in park, she would never be able to convince him to go home.

The brunette stewed in the car for a few moments longer while her father began retrieving their things from the cab of the borrowed truck (nothing had been saved in their attempt to gain a little bit of cash, not even Jess’s car). She didn’t look her father’s way as she slid from her seat and slipped on the icy sidewalk. Jess quickly rushed to her side, helping to steady his daughter and silently reveling in this second that he had to hold her. His Janie Lu had grown distant and cold when Sandra left again, mentally blaming her father for her mother being able to treat her like she did, and the teenager’s chipped shoulder only chipped deeper when Jess announced their move.

“You ok, Janie?” Jess asked tentatively, dropping his hands from Jane’s shoulders when she glared at him.

“Yeah, Dad.”

She was quick to move from him and into the warm diner. Inside, she inhaled the glorious scent of Luke’s coffee, and noted the diner’s regulars that had practically raised her alongside her father. Luke was beaming brighter than ever, and Jane was eager to be swept up in one his awkward hugs (they had gotten better through the years, but Luke would always be the same). She sniffed into his flannel, remembering years of his love and comfort, and smelled burgers and coffee.

“Janie,” Luke started, “it’s so good to have you back, kid.” Jane pretended to not take notice of the look her father exchanged with her uncle when Jess entered with one of the many boxes. While her uncle tried to not show his bias, Jane knew that he sided with his nephew.

Jess coughed as he made his way to the staircase, signaling his daughter’s attention. “Can you get your bag from the truck?” His question lacked emotion and a pet name, and Jane acted like it didn’t sting. She believed it was totally fine for her to be distant and moody, but for her father to not use his normal tone or his many names for her was somehow unacceptable. So, Jane nodded and slinked off to get her things. She ignored the comment Jess made to Luke about her disinterest to interact with him. She mentally shot back that he had wanted nothing to do with his mother or Luke at his age either.

“Jane, darling!” Patty purred when Jane stepped out from the diner to the truck. Jane smiled tightly, seeing the dance instructor only reminded Jane that she was unable to continue her dance lessons with money being so tight. “Oh, look at you! Prettier every time I see you. Now, where is that scrumptious man that is your father? You’ve definitely got his good looks, darling.”

“Hi, Miss Patty,” Jane couldn’t help the smile that came to her lips when Miss Patty talked about her father. It had made her giggle from a young age, and for some reason was still hilarious to her. “He’s inside with Uncle Luke, unpacking boxes probably.”

“Well, he must be upstairs.” Patty had craned her neck to glance through the diner window. Her attitude deflated a bit, but she quickly regained her spirit as she assessed Jane. “Oh, dear, Janie.” Patty held out Jane’s arm, and placed her hands on her chin. “I must have you in my class. With someone as pretty and talented as you, we would be an unstoppable pair the two of us. Please say you’ll join my class, dear.”

Jane’s smile fell the slightest bit, but Patty said nothing if she noticed. “I would, I would love to Miss Patty, but… uh, you have heard why me and Dad are moving back… and I don’t, I don’t really think… I had to quit, back in Philly, cause it was getting too expensive, and Dad—I couldn’t swing it. I’ve been sticking to theatre because, because it was through my school so I could still dance and it was for free… I’m sorry. I really wanna be in your class.”

Patty eyed the girl with pity. It didn’t go unobserved by Jane, and she was silently fuming. She hated pity and so did her father. They were stubborn, hardworking Marianos, and they didn’t take anyone’s pity. “I think we can work something out, Jane dear. You’ve got so much talent, and I would hate to see it go to waste. I’ll talk to your delicious father and maybe I can find a way to please both of us.”

Jane laughed heartily, hugging her first dance teacher. “Oh, Patty! You have no idea how much this means to me!”

“Well of course. You’re Lorelai’s niece, and Jess’s daughter, and by far the best student I ever had! Even at five you had more talent in your tiny toes than Julianne Hough!” Jane continued to laugh at Patty’s reference. She was far from that good, but she wasn’t going to not take the compliment. “Now, I must be going before the girls freeze their tutus off. Goodbye, Dear! And please tell your sexy father hello for me!” Patty called as she walked off.

Jane couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off her face as she unloaded her bag. However, her smile quickly fell when she saw her father staring straight at her through the window. The most broken expression on his face. His eyes rimmed red like he was on the verge of crying—something he hadn’t done in eight years. Jane turned her back to him, refusing to acknowledge him. Refusing to realize she was the source for his pain.

XXX

Jess was slowly dying.

Figuratively, not literally. He was dying because his daughter _hated_ him. He wasn’t dumb. He had observed her—it was what he had always done best—and the conclusion was obvious. Jane absolutely hated him. He had the slightest bit of hope that her hate was for the woman who had given her life, who had been horrible to her, who had ruined her. But, Jane was placing all her anger on him. And because he was a good father who loved his daughter more than anything in this world, he took it.

He took it, and didn’t say a thing. He treated her as he always had. He kissed her forehead when she went to sleep. He drove her to school, telling her he loved her as she slammed the door in his face. He worked his ass off to show her he still loved her no matter what she did, and he worked his ass off to get their lives back on track. But life had never been good to Jess Mariano, and it wasn’t going to start now.

He had once believed things were perking up. His heart had soared when Rory Gilmore walked into his publishing house, saying she had fixed everything. Only to have his dreams dashed and another supposedly meaningless fling in his bed. But Sandra had been something else.

She was a perfect place holder. She sparked an interest in Jess’s mind the moment he laid eyes on her. Her long dark hair, and soulful brown eyes had drawn him in, nothing like the soft auburn or baby blue eyes like the woman he had loved. Sandra wasn’t anything like Rory Gilmore, and Jess had thought that was good for him. And he thought he was good for her. They were _good_. But they weren’t great. They weren’t him and Rory, and it was made more obvious when she waltzed into Truncheon with mascara rolling down her cheeks.

Jess was close to saying no. Saying they couldn’t do it, _he_ couldn’t do it. But the fear in Sandra’s eyes, the trembling of her lips, the thought of a child growing up without a father kept him grounded. He led her to his room, and they talked. They talked throughout the night, and by sunrise, things were settled. They were moving in together, setting an appointment, and going to meet her parents. Things had been good. But not great.

Sandra never once voiced to him that _maybe_ she didn’t _want_ the baby. Maybe she wanted to run around some more. Maybe she didn’t want to be tied down to an ankle biting brat. But Jess couldn’t have known since she never once told him or led him to believe that. He thought she was happy. He thought _he_ was happy. He was getting something he’d wanted more than ever as a child. A family. And he was happy, the second he held his precious Janie Lu, he was.

But Sandra wasn’t. She hadn’t wanted to hold Jane. She hadn’t put any thought into Jane’s name, allowing Jess to do all the parent stuff. She had only insisted that Jane’s name be Scarpelli and that she be christened Catholic as her mother Giulia had insisted when she learned her eldest daughter was with child. Jess had been more than happy to oblige, feeling a strong bond with Sandra’s family having barely known him until he knocked up their daughter.

From then on, Sandra fell deeper and deeper into despair. She stayed out late, she drank, she slept with strange men, she had started doing drugs. Jess didn’t know why. Sandra had kept things from him. And he wanted to save her. He wanted to let her know he was by her side. He wanted to help her. But he didn’t realize how much she would take him for granted. She used him, and because he wanted her to get to know Jane and wanted her to get better, Jess had fallen for her games.

He should have been smarter than that though; he now realized. He had grown up with a woman like Sandra. His own mother had shipped him off at Jane’s age. She had tried to be affectionate, but in the end the two were alike. Druggies with no sense on how to be a mother. God, he was so stupid. Falling for everything Sandra said and did. Hoping he had helped her, saved her, made a difference in at least one life. No, he had probably made it worse, spoiled her without realizing it.

And now he was standing in the middle of his uncle’s diner, watching his little girl interact with Miss Patty, a real smile on her face for the first time in a long time, and it brought him near to tears. Not that he was one for crying. He had only _really_ cried once in his life. Eight years prior, a long time ago and a long story. He wasn’t going to be so ridiculous as to watch his daughter happy and shed a tear in the middle of his uncle’s diner with the entire town of Stars Hollow’s mental patients/residents staring at him.

He breathed in deeply and turned from the window. His heart would have to break in silence as he watched Jane’s hopes and dreams fall apart in front of his eyes. Slowly taking his daughter from him like her mother. Slowly killing him because all he could do was stand by bound by metaphorical chains.

“I’m sorry.”

_I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> Hey again! Thanks for reading and please leave a comment on whether you liked it or not or if I can improve anything, cause I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing.


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